I've been running around here like a chicken with its head cut off for the past few days. I'm so excited that I have no school work that I'm unable to settle down and enjoy my time off. I flit around from one task to the other, always thinking a few steps ahead. This afternoon I was up in my room folding laundry. That dreaded task. The one that never seems to get done. And a thought popped into my head. It was the word watch.
Last year around this time I was finishing up a clinical rotation with a wonderful nurse. She is this amazing woman who absolutely radiates joy. She takes pleasure in life. She's had many challenges, but she is resolute in her faith and love of life and God. I enjoyed every minute I spent with her. On our last day together, she passed me a DVD and asked if I'd like to borrow it. I said sure and took it, intending to watch it and return it to her right away. Last week, I was searching for some old photos and found that DVD tucked away in my cupboard. Ah, I thought, I must watch that and return it to her, and then promptly forgot about it. Until this afternoon.
In the midst of all the things I thought I had to do, I felt compelled to sit down and watch this DVD. Of course, I had my knitting, because I have to do something with my hands. I'm so glad I did. The DVD features a man by the name of Ken Davis, a comedian, but it has a spiritual message and I watched this program and felt a sense of peace settle over me. What a wonderful feeling.
I struggle so much with my faith. I was raised in a church and continued to attend until I was in my late teens, when other things became more important. Ha. A few years ago, I started thinking about God again. It was this niggling, annoying little twinge in the back of my brain. I fought it and I still continue to fight. When I'm sitting in church, sometimes the tears start to flow. I'm so moved by the message that I am afraid to go sometimes. I don't want to give up control. I believe in God and want to be a "good" Christian, but I'm afraid to let go.
I constantly find myself comparing myself to others. I'm not pretty enough, smart enough, caring enough, creative enough, nice enough, just not enough. I exhaust myself trying to live up to the expectations that I think others have for me. But what I realized when I was watching this program is that I have always been exactly who I'm supposed to be, what God made me to be. It's something I've always known, but I guess today I needed a little nudge to remind me.
It was a simple word - watch - but it gave me such peace today.
This is a difficult post to publish. I worry what people will think. Mercy, what will people think? That I'm some religious weirdo? Maybe. But it doesn't really matter. It really, really doesn't.
I'm finally going to return this DVD to the nurse. And thank her for enabling me to receive this message today.
So now, I'm going to click "Publish Post" and release these words into the "blogosphere".
And let them land where they will.